A Lesson in Human Culture
by Tobias Mason Park
Summary: Ax has spent a year on planet Earth, and has gotten used to some of our more strange customs. But after meeting a strange girl named Valerie, Ax discovers that our strange customs only get more bizarre.


My name is Aximili Esgarrouth Isthill, and I am not a native of the planet known by many as Earth. I am a member of a race of intellectually superior aliens known as the Andalites. I do not mean to insult the humans by suggesting that they are, obviously, intellectually inferior to my race; it is simply a fact. I consider myself to be a man of science and facts, and my race just so happened to have a superior method of science, and verifiable fact. Forgive me if I sound arrogant, for that was not my intent.

I have been on Earth for the better part of a year, and I must say that I consider this planet to be my second home. There have been many times where I was given the opportunity to return to my home planet, to be amongst other Andalites; but that would mean leaving Earth to fall to the Yeerks, and I cannot allow that to happen. So, I remain on Earth to fight. As long as the Yeerk Empire maintains a presence on this planet I will continue to fight with my friends; the Animorphs….but I am getting ahead of myself.

Some time ago, after my brother, War-Prince Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul, was murdered, I was discovered by a group of humans known as the Animorphs; five children with the power to morph into other animals and insects. Such a gift is the brainchild of my race, of other Andalites; which could only mean that my brother broke the law of Seerow's kindness. You see, it is against Andalite law to give a piece of our technology to another race. It's is better this way. We learned the hard way; through the Yeerks.

At first, it was somewhat difficult living on Earth, for I really was a stranger amongst familiar faces. And while I was eternally grateful for what the Animorphs had done for me—for what they were willing to do for their home planet— I still found myself yearning to return home. It was only after the Animorphs…my friends made me feel as though I was a part of their world that I put aside all efforts of returning home; for the time being, anyway.

I feel especially close to Prince Jake and Tobias; the latter, my _shorm _and the former, my Prince. Where I come from, every Aristh is given a Prince, and that Aristh is to obey his Prince's every whim; to trust his Prince with his life. And the shorm…the shorm is the equivalent of a _best-friend_ on Earth; one whom you can trust to put his tail-blade against your throat. Tobias is my shorm. And even though he is a nothlit—one who is forever trapped in a body that is not his own—trapped in the body of a hawk, I find that Tobias is more of a man than many others who walk the Earth.

My friends and I are caught in the middle of a war; a war for the human race. The Yeerks, a parasitic race bent on the enslavement of all of humanity, are our enemies and they must be stopped. But the major problem that the Animorphs face is finding out who is a controller—one with a Yeerk in his head—and who is free. The Yeerks take their victims by sliding through the ear canal and wrapping their slug-like bodies around the brain. Once a Yeerk has control over the brain of any individual, that individual—be he Human, Hork-Bajir, Taxxon, Gedd…or Andalite —is lost forever. And the Yeerks have the ability to read the thoughts and memories of the hosts they take; making them practically invisible. Elfangor always told me that the worst enemy one can face is the one he cannot see…I fear Elfangor may have been correct.

But I have learned that there are things in this vast universe that are just as horrifying as the Yeerk Empire; that alone is not a simple claim to make. I have been in numerous battles over the last year; I have nearly met my end at the blades of Hork-Bajir, and have nearly been swallowed whole by a Taxxon…but I still shudder when I think back to my first experience with a human teenaged girl….

"Easy on the buns this time, Ax-man," Marco, a fellow Animorph, said to me. "We can't risk you causing a scene…not when there are _a lot_ of people looking around; and I mean _a lot_!"

We were at a human market place, known by many as _the mall_. I was enjoying a cinnamon bun, while Marco was lecturing me on how _normal_ humans do not eat their food two by two. But I wasn't paying attention; it is very difficult to resist the siren-like allure of a cinnamon bun. My own race has achieved scientific feats like no other race, but nothing compares to the taste of a cinnamon bun in one's mouth. In our natural forms, Andalites do not have mouths. Instead, we eat by grazing in fields; absorbing the grass through our hooves to obtain necessary nutrients. At the time, I was in my human form, using my newly acquired mouth to enjoy this earth delicacy.

"It's so disgusting…and yet, I cannot look away." Marco said, shaking his head as he watched me _scarf down_ a third cinnamon bun. "Hey, Ax-man, you might want to slow down. We don't need any Animorphs choking to death."

"Will you keep your voice down?" Rachel snapped. "People can hear you."

"No. Imagine how it would look if Visser Three discovered that the big bad Andalite bandits—who have escaped the clutches of Controllers thousands of times—suddenly went belly-up? And all for a cinnamon bun…"

I believe Marco was attempting to make a joke, but I can't be sure. Prince Jake and Rachel did not seem amused, and Tobias was not used to human facial expressions. Sometimes I find that humans are more complicated than most Andalite science. For example; a human smile may be interpreted as a sign of an individual's joy or amusement. However, a smile in a certain context—where one human may smile to another—may be interpreted as one individual showing signs of attraction towards another. I noticed one such human.

"Tobias, that girl appears to be showing signs of ocular irritation." I pointed to a girl with fair hair sitting across from the table where my friends and I were sitting. She appeared to be winking in our general direction, but I could not be sure; she did this every so often.

"Not exactly, Ax-man," Marco said, chancing a look at the very girl who had been winking. "She's checking somebody out."

"Don't count on it." Rachel said.

"And why not?" Marco asked. "Is it that hard to believe that a good-looking girl would be checking one of us out?"

"Yes, it is hard to believe." Rachel replied.

"Really and why is that?"

"Because Jake is too clueless to notice that a girl would be throwing a look his way. Tobias is too busy keeping his eye on the time when he should be paying attention to what's in front of him. And you," Rachel laughed. "She probably can't see something so small from that far away."

"Short jokes; that's all I ever get." Marco mumbled. "Well, what about Ax?"

"Ax currently has a relationship with whatever's left of that poor, poor cinnamon bun." Jake answered.

"I am confused." I said, looking at the strange girl with the ocular irritation. "If she wishes to show that she is infatuated with another male, why does she not simply walk over to him?"

"Because it is the guy's job to make the first move." Rachel explained.

"No. It's because girls are hypocrites." Marco grumbled. "They go on and on about equal rights, but when it comes down to things like asking somebody out, or paying for dinner, suddenly it's the guy's moral obligation."

"Marco's just mad," Rachel said to me. "He doesn't get many dates nowadays."

"That is true," Marco said. "It may have something to do with nearly getting myself killed every other day."

"Sure, let's go with that."

Some more time passed, and Marco continued to stare at the girl from across the food court. I must admit that I would also acknowledge her presence every so often. I was far too busy eating, and members of my race aren't usually attracted to members of another species, but I am told that this girl was attractive. Jake and Tobias seemed obligated to say that this girl was "pretty and nothing more", but Marco seemed to worship this young girl. He kept insisting that the girl had been _winking_ at him. Rachel said something about the girl's appearance that I am told was _offensive._

"Tobias, what is a slut?"

"Well…um…" Tobias began, looking from Jake to Marco, and Cassie and Rachel. "A slut is…One would say…"

"Ax-man, you've known Rachel for nearly a year, and you still can't tell?"

"You'd better cool it, Marco." Prince Jake warned, chancing a look at a fuming Rachel.

"What Rachel is saying," Cassie began, speaking for the first time in a while. "is that some girls, like the one over at that table, dress in certain ways to attract the attention of boys their age. They'll do this by wearing shorter skirts, or wearing a certain amount of make-up, or…"

"By wearing shirts that wouldn't fit Marco." Rachel interrupted.

"Well…I would have said something along the lines of low cut…but that's basically it."

"And males find this to be attractive?" I asked.

"Yes." Marco answered, almost comically.

"They really shouldn't, but they do." Rachel agreed.

"Oh come on Rachel." Marco groaned. "How are your clothes any different from the one that girl is wearing?"

"For starters, my boobs aren't about to pop out of my shirt."

"And what in the world is wrong with that?" Marco demanded. "I think every girl—nay, every woman—should be allowed to show some cleavage."

"Jake, help me out here; do you find that girl attractive in any way?"

"I've always thought that a guy—any guy really—should focus on getting to know a girl, and look beyond her appearance. Otherwise, he could never have a healthy relationship with a girl."

"We aren't talking about forming a relationship!" Marco said. "Rachel asked if you thought she was attractive, not if she was datable."

"Marco, I am not sure if datable is a word." I corrected him. "While I do not claim to have a full understanding of the English language, I am confident…"

"Not now, Ax!" Marco snapped. "Jake, answer the question. Just pretend Cassie and Rachel are guys like me and Tobias…well, like me."

"I'm sticking by what I said." Jake answered.

"Alright, whatever…Tobias, is she or isn't she attractive?'

((I swear to God, if you bring me into this, I will end you, Marco.)) Tobias said. He used thought speak since he was technically using a morph, but I almost confident that his thought speech was limited to Marco, Prince Jake and myself.

"Fine, bird-boy's a wuss." Marco said. "And I don't suppose Ax has much of an opinion."

"And if he did, he would agree with Jake and Tobias."

"That's because Jake blushes when you even bring up the word cleavage, and you've got Tobias trained like a Chihuahua."

"Cassie, please do me a favour and kick Marco in the shins."

"Cassie, do me a favour and tell Rachel to pull that metal rod out of her…"

"And I think we're done with this conversation." Prince Jake interrupted. He checked his digital watch and sighed. "We should probably get going; I doubt we have much time left before Ax and Tobias need to demorph."

"We have approximately seventeen minutes and fifty-one of your seconds left, Prince Jake." I said, wiping my mouth with a napkin like Cassie taught me.

"Alright then, let's head out." Jake said, picking up his tray of food and offering to take Cassie's.

"See Marco; Jake's a gentleman." Rachel turned to Tobias, whose expression was blank as always. "Well, Tobias?"

((I think Marco has a point; she's got me whipped.)) Tobias mumbled.

I had to admit that I was more than slightly curious by male-female interactions; it was both puzzling and interesting to watch, like a science experiment of sorts. I myself experimented in this aspect of human culture with a fellow Andalite named Estrid-Corill-Darrath; though the relationship was completely platonic. And I could not help but think that, even as we walked away from the food court, we were still being watched by the very female who brought up such a heated debate from Marco and Rachel.

((Prince Jake, I believe we are being followed.)) I said.

"Are you sure?" Jake asked, sceptically.

((It is that girl from the food court. She has been following us for approximately three of your earth minutes.))

"Are we going to have this conversation again?" Marco moaned. "They're everybody's minutes!"

((I am almost positive that she is following us, Prince Jake.))

"Tobias, do you see anything?"

((I am not falling for that one. Do you know what Rachel will do to me if she catches…wait, yes; I see her!))

"What do you think; could she be a controller?" Jake asked. "She wasn't too far away from where we were sitting."

((She probably heard Marco lecturing Ax about how to eat cinnamon buns.)) Tobias suggested. ((He was definitely loud enough.))

"I'm thinking we should split up." Jake muttered under his breath. "Tobias, you'd better fill the girls in."

Rachel and Cassie had been admiring a pair of clothing in one of the shopping windows, though I am almost certain that Cassie wasn't nearly as interested. It was only after Tobias had relayed Prince Jake's message that they suddenly lost interest in whatever it was they were looking at.

"What are we going to do?" Cassie asked, turning her head every so often to see if we were still being followed.

"We're going to have to split up." Jake answered.

"What if she has back up?" Marco suggested.

"I hadn't thought of that…" Jake mumbled.

"Tobias and Ax still need to demorph." Cassie said.

"Alright, here's what we do," Jake began. "Tobias and Ax are going to go off and find a place to demorph. We'll split up into two's by the sears and meet back at Cassie's."

Tobias and I broke away from Prince Jake and the others, trying to look as casual as possible; like ordinary teenagers who needed to be home for supper.

"How much time do we have, Ax?" Tobias asked.

"We have approximately eleven of your minutes before we must demorph." I answered.

"Alright…I think we should head towards the Radio Shack; that exit leads out into the parking lot by the forest…alright Ax, don't look now, but we're still being followed—I said don't look!"

((Tobias, while I would not feel comfortable fighting in my human form, she is only one controller…)) I began.

((There is no way we're fighting a girl!)) Tobias snapped. ((We just keep walking until…))

"Hey, wait up!"

((Tobias, she is touching my arm!))

(Do not freak out Ax!)) Tobias ordered. ((Just turn around and act casual. I won't let her hurt you.))

"Hey, I almost lost you." The girl smiled. There was something very…pleasant about the way she looked at me with her eyes. It was almost…mesmerizing. "Did anyone ever tell you two that you're fast walkers?"

"So we've heard." Tobias replied. "But we're in a bit of a hurry…"

"Oh come on, boys." She said, winking up at me. "Life moves way too fast. You've got to slow down once in a while."

The girl, who may or may not have been a controller, suddenly moved very close to my body. She was fondling the grey sweater Jake let me use for the day.

"My name is Val…and you are?"

"Like I said, we're in a bit of a hurry." Tobias repeated. ((Ax, we're running out of time. Now, I'm all for being polite, but I'm pretty sure you don't want to spend the rest of your life as a human…))

I found myself thinking that overstaying the time limit and getting trapped in my human form wouldn't be such a terrible thing. Sure, I wouldn't have my tail blade, or my stalk eyes, but there were some advantages to being human: the sense of taste, the strength that came with the upper arms and, of course, cinnamon buns. I also found that my human body reacted in strange ways whenever this girl touched my arm…

"Your buddy is no fun at all." Val said, winking at me once more. "Why don't you ditch him, and come with me?"

"He's my cousin. He's from out of town; I'm supposed to be watching him." Tobias said, impatiently.

"I'm sure he'll be safe with me." Val laughed. "You have some strong arms…"

"Alright…Philip," Tobias said, grabbing my arm and pulling me away from the goddess named Val. "We have an appointment; we cannot be late. Don't you remember what happened last time one of us was late for something?"

"Alright, there's no need to get pushy." Val pouted. "I guess I'll just have to give you my number then."

Val reached into the purse hanging from her shoulder and pulled out a small slip of paper and a pen.

"You can call me whenever you like, love." She said, kissing me on the cheek. "I'll be waiting.

Tobias had to practically drag me out into the parking lot. There had been a moment after Val had kissed me where I was unable to move my body. But once Tobias and I reached the forest I was perfectly capable of demorphing into my Andalite form; still unsure of why I had acted in so strangely.

((Tobias…that woman was no controller.)) I said. ((She was a temptress…some sort of strange being…))

((No, she was just a teenaged girl.)) Tobias said, now in his _normal_ form. ((And, for a while, you were a teenaged boy. What you felt back there was normal; inconvenient, but normal.))

((Tobias…there is something strange about the number on this piece of paper.))

((I can't imagine her giving you a fake number.)) Tobias replied. ((She was all over you.))

((There is the correct amount of digits…but I cannot fathom the use of this symbol over here.))

((Let me see that for a second.))

Tobias flew over towards my now outstretched arm, and I showed him the tiny slip of paper with the strange symbol following Val's number…

;)


End file.
